Yesterday I went to the doctor's office. I have been vomiting periodically over the course of the last month. We went to find out why. After discussing symptoms the doctor started asking me personal questions, and my dad started to answer for me. The doctor asked him to leave the room, and continued to ask me personal questions. He diagnosed me as clinically depressed. I dismissed it immediately, but played along. He wants me to come back in for another visit next week. I don't want to go.
I told my dad what the doctor thought. He accused me of putting on a show. While I agree I can be over dramatic, I did only tell the truth to the doctor. I didn't try and get him to sympathize with me, he just decided that I had some problems that needed counseling and medication. I still disagree with that, especially the medication. But ever since hearing him say that to me, I've begun to wonder if I am actually depressed.
As far as I know, depression doesn't run in my family, and I hardly have a hard home life. I have plenty of friends, although I'm not entirely open with them. I try not to be open with anyone, because I'm afraid that I'll sound whiny and selfish. Because complaining about your life does tend to be very whiny, and very selfish.
I decided to look up the symptoms for depression on my own. I'm starting to see where my doctor got the idea. All of the symptoms seem to be things he had me describe. I really don't know anymore. I can be happy, and from time to time I find plenty of joy in my life. Right now though, I do feel empty, and sad. I haven't been able to sleep properly since I can remember, and I'm almost constantly in a state of fatigue. If I'm walking down the street and a car passes by, I feel the urge to jump in front of it, and wonder if anyone would care if I did. More recently though I've considered taking a knife to my chest.
I feel like I'm giving you the wrong idea here. Just to clarify, I have had some thoughts of suicide slip by my mind, but I've never taken them seriously. In fact, while the knife thing comes up, I immediately dismiss it as a horrible idea. I've never been a cutter, and I've never harmed myself to take away from my problems. There is no plan to start doing so. But it has become a concern of mine, and there have been times in the past where I've considered getting counseling. I've just been too afraid to actually ask for help from somebody qualified.
I really don't know what to do right now, but I have a week to decide. There isn't really a conclusion to this post. There is no brilliant revelation, because I still don't know whether I am actually depressed, or I'm just being a drama king. I just thought that writing something might make me feel better. It sort of did. So thanks for reading.
Bye, because I'm not in the mood for a pun.
-Nathaniel.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Something I've Inherited.
Alright, so I promised a second post, and by god you're getting it. But first, a little something about my grandfather. My grandfather is a funny guy, in a grandfather way. He's not up to date on any of our new fangled jokes. If you ask him "I can haz cheezburger?" he'd probably tell you to stop talking like that. Either that or ask you to repeat the question. Either way he isn't quite in the loop with all of the silly internet jokes floating around, or really any jokes that came out after the 90s. He's a classics man, and really he pulls it off. Despite the cornyness of all of his jokes, he really manages to make them funny, and the sarcastic humor he's used on me since I was a little kid has taught me to become the cynical narcissist I am today. Anyways, when I was a but a tyke I demanded bedtime stories every night. My grandfather, as he lived in a separate province, and we would only visit him once per year during the summer, he would take on the job of being my story teller maybe 10 times per year. His stories were always pretty short, but they are some of the best bedtime stories a kid could ask for. This one was always his favorite.
"So tell me Nathaniel, have you ever heard the story of the three wells?" My grandfather would ask. And for argument's sake it was my first time hearing this story, or I just really wanted him to tell it to me, as only he can.
"No grampy I haven't heard it." Little Nathaniel would reply. My grandfather would probably laugh a little at this point, and so would I.
"Well it goes a little something like this. Well, well, well." Grampy would tell me, and he would laugh, and I would probably laugh too and tell him that that wasn't a real story, and that he owed me a better one tomorrow, but most of the time I would just want him to tell me the story of the three wells.
Just if you're wondering. That's the whole story. Well, well, well. Those are the three wells. You just heard the bedtime story of my childhood. My grandfather was the original troll. Anyways, my grandfather is getting pretty old, and I'm too old to ask him for a bedtime story, but I'll always remember the nights he would tell me those kinds of stories, because that's just what grampy does. It's crossed my mind that his time might be coming, and I'm going to try and be brave for that, but I know I'm always going to have memories like that that make me happy. It makes me realize that sometimes the long stories that we tell each other aren't the ones that really make a difference. It's the little stories that count.
I love you Grampy.
Bye, because "Now go to bed" was his thing.
-Nathaniel.
"So tell me Nathaniel, have you ever heard the story of the three wells?" My grandfather would ask. And for argument's sake it was my first time hearing this story, or I just really wanted him to tell it to me, as only he can.
"No grampy I haven't heard it." Little Nathaniel would reply. My grandfather would probably laugh a little at this point, and so would I.
"Well it goes a little something like this. Well, well, well." Grampy would tell me, and he would laugh, and I would probably laugh too and tell him that that wasn't a real story, and that he owed me a better one tomorrow, but most of the time I would just want him to tell me the story of the three wells.
Just if you're wondering. That's the whole story. Well, well, well. Those are the three wells. You just heard the bedtime story of my childhood. My grandfather was the original troll. Anyways, my grandfather is getting pretty old, and I'm too old to ask him for a bedtime story, but I'll always remember the nights he would tell me those kinds of stories, because that's just what grampy does. It's crossed my mind that his time might be coming, and I'm going to try and be brave for that, but I know I'm always going to have memories like that that make me happy. It makes me realize that sometimes the long stories that we tell each other aren't the ones that really make a difference. It's the little stories that count.
I love you Grampy.
Bye, because "Now go to bed" was his thing.
-Nathaniel.
On the bright side.
I've been pessimistic for a while now, and I've been told that things will get better, and life goes on. Something I've realized is that life is ALWAYS going on. I mean, sure things seem pretty bad, but really if you look for it hard enough there's always something good going on too. I guess I'll just go through a list here.
Exams are here.
OK, yeah, exams, they suck, they suck big time. But I'm actually kind of confident I can come out with decent grades. Plus, right after exams is summer vacation. And summer vacation will more than likely be awesome.
I'm going into level 3, and I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I'm going into level 3! I'm almost done with high school! If I work hard, and apply myself, I can really get somewhere. Plus, it's rare that anybody knows EXACTLY what they want to do with their life, I'll figure things out.
I'm running low on cash, and I need a job.
If I get a job, I'll get plenty of money to save up for something fantastic. Plus I can make friends with my coworkers.
I'm probably going to be stuck in Lab City this summer.
This will give me plenty of time to work on that play and other creative endeavors. Not to mention I can start working out like I've been meaning to.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
But since we did we've been actually talking, and I really like that. And now I don't feel so guilty about holding her back, and making her love life monotonous and boring.
I procrastinate too much.
That's just another reason to try harder!
I feel like I'm going nowhere.
You're going to two Drama festivals next year, along with a trip to New York City, and Ottawa for Encounters with Canada! You've got a great year ahead of you!
I want to get the hell out of Lab City, I'm so sick of it here, and every time I come back to this town I feel like a cage falls over my head and my soul starts being sucked away. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up back here even after I graduate, because Labrador has a way of doing that to people. I want to go places, see people, find love, but I know that's not going to happen, because the way I'm going I'm just going to end up alone and unhappy and-
...
OK yeah, maybe I need to work on the whole optimism thing a little bit, but really, I'm getting to be pretty happy with my life right now, and maybe I'm wrong about all of that stuff. I really don't know what else to say, so that's all. I might post something else today, but for now, that's about it.
Bye, because "Have a wonderful day!" Is just too happy go luck for me.
-Nathaniel.
Exams are here.
OK, yeah, exams, they suck, they suck big time. But I'm actually kind of confident I can come out with decent grades. Plus, right after exams is summer vacation. And summer vacation will more than likely be awesome.
I'm going into level 3, and I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I'm going into level 3! I'm almost done with high school! If I work hard, and apply myself, I can really get somewhere. Plus, it's rare that anybody knows EXACTLY what they want to do with their life, I'll figure things out.
I'm running low on cash, and I need a job.
If I get a job, I'll get plenty of money to save up for something fantastic. Plus I can make friends with my coworkers.
I'm probably going to be stuck in Lab City this summer.
This will give me plenty of time to work on that play and other creative endeavors. Not to mention I can start working out like I've been meaning to.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
But since we did we've been actually talking, and I really like that. And now I don't feel so guilty about holding her back, and making her love life monotonous and boring.
I procrastinate too much.
That's just another reason to try harder!
I feel like I'm going nowhere.
You're going to two Drama festivals next year, along with a trip to New York City, and Ottawa for Encounters with Canada! You've got a great year ahead of you!
I want to get the hell out of Lab City, I'm so sick of it here, and every time I come back to this town I feel like a cage falls over my head and my soul starts being sucked away. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up back here even after I graduate, because Labrador has a way of doing that to people. I want to go places, see people, find love, but I know that's not going to happen, because the way I'm going I'm just going to end up alone and unhappy and-
...
OK yeah, maybe I need to work on the whole optimism thing a little bit, but really, I'm getting to be pretty happy with my life right now, and maybe I'm wrong about all of that stuff. I really don't know what else to say, so that's all. I might post something else today, but for now, that's about it.
Bye, because "Have a wonderful day!" Is just too happy go luck for me.
-Nathaniel.
Monday, 13 June 2011
Posting for the sake of posting.
Alright, so this seems to be becoming a daily thing, and just to go for three in a row, I'm going to post. But what to post about? I'm serious here, no forethought has gone into this post. I'm free styling.
Alright, today I'm going to do a little post about me, and my life. At this point in time, I am in the process of coping with being broken up with after being with a girl for two years. Which pretty much sucks, on every level. This is my second breakup. First one lasted two months, and honestly, was just a way to avoid trying a long distance relationship with girlfriend #2. I kind of expected the first one to end, because as much as I tried to hide it, I kind of didn't like the first girl I dated. Yeah, she was alright to have a chat with, but we were practically polar opposites. There was one real date, where I got my first kiss. What kind of ruined this for me was the fact that she had pretty much avoided me the whole time, and tried to get me to make out with her friend while she left to try something on or something. We didn't make out, and had some awkward chit chat instead. That's more than I got with my girlfriend at the time. I've never really admitted this before but right before that date, I got a pretty bad hair cut, and it made me look like a total dork, skip ahead to after we broke up (More on that in a second) I had started going out with #2 (Who shall remain #2 for the remainder of this post, because even though she may be the only person to actually read this, I think she would prefer her identity to be safe.) she had told me she liked guys with long hair, or something along those lines, so I haven't had a hair cut since before my fail date with #1. Who by the way is far from #1 on my list of favorite people. The way we broke up was kind of weird. She went to a birthday party at a hotel. She proceeded to go drinking with some guys she didn't know, and then tried to talk to me about trust. We were together for maybe another week before I tried to make it a clean easy break. Note to self, a week long break up is a bad idea. Anyways, we mutually decided to break up, and that our relationship was kind of stupid. I lost the picture she drew of herself she had given to me, and she fed the necklace I gave her to her dog. I was kind of worried about the way she would take the break up. I was reassured when her first facebook status since the break was part of "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. We tried to be friends, but that didn't really work out very well. I realized this when she got into a description of her new boyfriend's (she had had several more at this point, in less time than our relationship I do believe.) penis. There have been a few awkward things from then on here and there, and I try and keep in touch with a couple of her friends, because they're pretty damn cool people, but other than that I haven't really seen much of #1 since.
Before I get into #2 I think there are a couple of honorable mention crushes I've had in the past. In preschool, there was a girl in my class who I'm pretty sure was named Emily. Anyways I was convinced as a toddler that it was my destiny to grow up, and marry Emily, because we used to pretend to be Kovu and Keira from "The Lion King 2". This tale pretty much ends after preschool because we went to different schools. After that, in Kindergarten, we got a new kind in the class named Katherine. Katherine was my big on and off thing throughout all of elementary school, and the first year of Junior High. Although a lot of "girls are icky" got in the way of that for most of the crush I think. The sad thing about Katherine was that I had spent the summer after grade six telling myself it wouldn't happen, and I should forget about her (Oh how wise us 12 year olds were) and then within the first week of school she was nearly killed in a car accident outside of the school. I don't know why, but this made me feel like I had realized just how much I'd miss her if she was really gone. So I kind of made it my mission to try and make her happy again... Unfortunetly I was extremely shy, and all I really got done was pull on the pigtails style adore her, and give her a Kitten Webkinz. Anyways eventually we kind of got to know each other, and it turned into a full on crush for me, turns out I wasn't the only one. It became obvious to the rest of my classmates that I liked her, and so I started getting teased about it, but before I could make a move, I had been moved away. I eventually told her that I liked her. She told me she didn't like me. I was as crushed as a young man could be, but got over it. Anyways, now we're decent friends, and I talk to her sometimes. She's doing really well, and has really become an incredible young woman, wise beyond her years. She always knows what to say, and so sometimes I get a little guidance from her. Other than that, I wish her all the happiness in the world waiting for her, because she deserves it. My third big crush was Rosemary Lawton. These are getting kind of lengthy, so I'll try and make this one quick. I really liked her, and she was the first girl I had ever given jewelry to before. Albeit 12 dollar corner store jewelry, but jewelry all the same. Anyways we kind of hung out for a while, and I thought she was really cool. We would sit next to each other on the bus, which soon became my favorite part of the day, but other than that there was minimal interaction, because I wasn't much of a social butterfly, and she hung out with a bunch of intimidating girls. In any case, my friend John was kind of into her, so I stepped off, but apparently it turned out that she liked me too, and I could have totally gone out with her, and it would have been awesome because she was all cool and stuff. At least that's how I imagine it would have went, but probably not. Anyways, that sort of ended because I thought she was into somebody else, and I went back after Katherine again until I moved. (Right, this happened during 8th grade, just to clear things up.) So anyways, it turns out that Rosemary only proceeded to get cooler after I left, and now she's a super cool folk fiddle player, who listens to sweet Newfie music, and thinks that X-Men evolution was a pretty cool show. I really only saw her at two parties after that, and it's been almost a year since I last talked to her, but that's how I remember her. I should probably go talk to her some time.
So that was a pretty lengthy detour from the main point. Alright #2, the big one. So for the past two years I've been going out with #2, and she is absolutely the most incredible girl in the world. Most people would tell off their exes, but if you can't tell, I'm not quite entirely over her. (This very well might just get really awkward later.) But I really don't think that clouds my judgement on her all that much. (Suuuuuuuuure.) It would be really hard to go over an entire two years worth of relationshipedness, so I'll try and keep it brief. All though that really didn't work out earlier. In any case, #2 was the first girl that I ever said "I love you" to and really meant it. I guess that makes me kind of an ass, but in my defense I was 14, and it was my first girlfriend. She was like the sun and the moon to me, every day when I would see the blue sky it would make me think about her, and the way she made me feel. We would do a lot of creative writing together for a while before I stopped going on so much, and so there was a little less time spent with her. I kind of regret that, because I loved writing with her, but I was having trouble with school, and I didn't think I should be online writing so much. There were a couple of times where I tried to write with her again, but they were a little short lived. I was always amazed by her skill with words, and the way she made her stories flow. There's a lot more than that, but I'm kind of tired, and afraid of how personal this might get. We'll skip forward a bit. Over the course of our relationship, every now and then, there would be a "fight" that occurred. I say fight because I have no idea what else to call them. #2 always had doubts about our relationship, and at those points I would try and tell her that I would be better, and that things would be better, and that we should stay together. No matter what I always got the feeling that whenever these relationship talks would come up she never left satisfied, and I knew that it was because I never really listened to her, or her feelings. It's a little over two weeks ago that the last one of these happened. I knew this was coming, but #2 didn't love me anymore. At least not in the same way. She told me that she still wanted to be friends, and, well, we're still friends, despite all of the cliches about how that will never work. Near the end I knew that she wasn't happy, and before that I knew that I wasn't the guy she was looking for right now. But despite the fact that I knew it was coming, and that I knew she would break up with me, it didn't help anything. And I still feel like shit. I'm trying my best to be her friend now, but she really seems uninterested in me a lot of the time. Like I'm the least of her worries, which I really deserve to be. And just like before the end, she seems really distant, and it feels like she doesn't trust me anymore, which I suppose she shouldn't. I guess I'm just at the point where I can't believe that the girl who once told me she loved me, is now the girl who will sometimes not respond when we talk. She seems alright though. She seems like she's fine without me. But really that makes me wonder how much of an impact I really made on her, and was I ever anything but just a friend to her. Although I think sometimes of what she told me she did after I asked her out. So she tells me after I told her I liked her she went and wrote down the date so she would never forget it. Me, I was just happy I got to be with the girl I'd liked for so long. As it turns out, I needed her more than she needed me. But sometimes I think back to the girl who was just told that she was liked by some guy in Canada.
April 30th, 2009
April 30th, 2009
April 30th, 2009...
Bye, because "Sweet dreams lovely" will hurt too much...
-Nathaniel.
Alright, today I'm going to do a little post about me, and my life. At this point in time, I am in the process of coping with being broken up with after being with a girl for two years. Which pretty much sucks, on every level. This is my second breakup. First one lasted two months, and honestly, was just a way to avoid trying a long distance relationship with girlfriend #2. I kind of expected the first one to end, because as much as I tried to hide it, I kind of didn't like the first girl I dated. Yeah, she was alright to have a chat with, but we were practically polar opposites. There was one real date, where I got my first kiss. What kind of ruined this for me was the fact that she had pretty much avoided me the whole time, and tried to get me to make out with her friend while she left to try something on or something. We didn't make out, and had some awkward chit chat instead. That's more than I got with my girlfriend at the time. I've never really admitted this before but right before that date, I got a pretty bad hair cut, and it made me look like a total dork, skip ahead to after we broke up (More on that in a second) I had started going out with #2 (Who shall remain #2 for the remainder of this post, because even though she may be the only person to actually read this, I think she would prefer her identity to be safe.) she had told me she liked guys with long hair, or something along those lines, so I haven't had a hair cut since before my fail date with #1. Who by the way is far from #1 on my list of favorite people. The way we broke up was kind of weird. She went to a birthday party at a hotel. She proceeded to go drinking with some guys she didn't know, and then tried to talk to me about trust. We were together for maybe another week before I tried to make it a clean easy break. Note to self, a week long break up is a bad idea. Anyways, we mutually decided to break up, and that our relationship was kind of stupid. I lost the picture she drew of herself she had given to me, and she fed the necklace I gave her to her dog. I was kind of worried about the way she would take the break up. I was reassured when her first facebook status since the break was part of "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. We tried to be friends, but that didn't really work out very well. I realized this when she got into a description of her new boyfriend's (she had had several more at this point, in less time than our relationship I do believe.) penis. There have been a few awkward things from then on here and there, and I try and keep in touch with a couple of her friends, because they're pretty damn cool people, but other than that I haven't really seen much of #1 since.
Before I get into #2 I think there are a couple of honorable mention crushes I've had in the past. In preschool, there was a girl in my class who I'm pretty sure was named Emily. Anyways I was convinced as a toddler that it was my destiny to grow up, and marry Emily, because we used to pretend to be Kovu and Keira from "The Lion King 2". This tale pretty much ends after preschool because we went to different schools. After that, in Kindergarten, we got a new kind in the class named Katherine. Katherine was my big on and off thing throughout all of elementary school, and the first year of Junior High. Although a lot of "girls are icky" got in the way of that for most of the crush I think. The sad thing about Katherine was that I had spent the summer after grade six telling myself it wouldn't happen, and I should forget about her (Oh how wise us 12 year olds were) and then within the first week of school she was nearly killed in a car accident outside of the school. I don't know why, but this made me feel like I had realized just how much I'd miss her if she was really gone. So I kind of made it my mission to try and make her happy again... Unfortunetly I was extremely shy, and all I really got done was pull on the pigtails style adore her, and give her a Kitten Webkinz. Anyways eventually we kind of got to know each other, and it turned into a full on crush for me, turns out I wasn't the only one. It became obvious to the rest of my classmates that I liked her, and so I started getting teased about it, but before I could make a move, I had been moved away. I eventually told her that I liked her. She told me she didn't like me. I was as crushed as a young man could be, but got over it. Anyways, now we're decent friends, and I talk to her sometimes. She's doing really well, and has really become an incredible young woman, wise beyond her years. She always knows what to say, and so sometimes I get a little guidance from her. Other than that, I wish her all the happiness in the world waiting for her, because she deserves it. My third big crush was Rosemary Lawton. These are getting kind of lengthy, so I'll try and make this one quick. I really liked her, and she was the first girl I had ever given jewelry to before. Albeit 12 dollar corner store jewelry, but jewelry all the same. Anyways we kind of hung out for a while, and I thought she was really cool. We would sit next to each other on the bus, which soon became my favorite part of the day, but other than that there was minimal interaction, because I wasn't much of a social butterfly, and she hung out with a bunch of intimidating girls. In any case, my friend John was kind of into her, so I stepped off, but apparently it turned out that she liked me too, and I could have totally gone out with her, and it would have been awesome because she was all cool and stuff. At least that's how I imagine it would have went, but probably not. Anyways, that sort of ended because I thought she was into somebody else, and I went back after Katherine again until I moved. (Right, this happened during 8th grade, just to clear things up.) So anyways, it turns out that Rosemary only proceeded to get cooler after I left, and now she's a super cool folk fiddle player, who listens to sweet Newfie music, and thinks that X-Men evolution was a pretty cool show. I really only saw her at two parties after that, and it's been almost a year since I last talked to her, but that's how I remember her. I should probably go talk to her some time.
So that was a pretty lengthy detour from the main point. Alright #2, the big one. So for the past two years I've been going out with #2, and she is absolutely the most incredible girl in the world. Most people would tell off their exes, but if you can't tell, I'm not quite entirely over her. (This very well might just get really awkward later.) But I really don't think that clouds my judgement on her all that much. (Suuuuuuuuure.) It would be really hard to go over an entire two years worth of relationshipedness, so I'll try and keep it brief. All though that really didn't work out earlier. In any case, #2 was the first girl that I ever said "I love you" to and really meant it. I guess that makes me kind of an ass, but in my defense I was 14, and it was my first girlfriend. She was like the sun and the moon to me, every day when I would see the blue sky it would make me think about her, and the way she made me feel. We would do a lot of creative writing together for a while before I stopped going on so much, and so there was a little less time spent with her. I kind of regret that, because I loved writing with her, but I was having trouble with school, and I didn't think I should be online writing so much. There were a couple of times where I tried to write with her again, but they were a little short lived. I was always amazed by her skill with words, and the way she made her stories flow. There's a lot more than that, but I'm kind of tired, and afraid of how personal this might get. We'll skip forward a bit. Over the course of our relationship, every now and then, there would be a "fight" that occurred. I say fight because I have no idea what else to call them. #2 always had doubts about our relationship, and at those points I would try and tell her that I would be better, and that things would be better, and that we should stay together. No matter what I always got the feeling that whenever these relationship talks would come up she never left satisfied, and I knew that it was because I never really listened to her, or her feelings. It's a little over two weeks ago that the last one of these happened. I knew this was coming, but #2 didn't love me anymore. At least not in the same way. She told me that she still wanted to be friends, and, well, we're still friends, despite all of the cliches about how that will never work. Near the end I knew that she wasn't happy, and before that I knew that I wasn't the guy she was looking for right now. But despite the fact that I knew it was coming, and that I knew she would break up with me, it didn't help anything. And I still feel like shit. I'm trying my best to be her friend now, but she really seems uninterested in me a lot of the time. Like I'm the least of her worries, which I really deserve to be. And just like before the end, she seems really distant, and it feels like she doesn't trust me anymore, which I suppose she shouldn't. I guess I'm just at the point where I can't believe that the girl who once told me she loved me, is now the girl who will sometimes not respond when we talk. She seems alright though. She seems like she's fine without me. But really that makes me wonder how much of an impact I really made on her, and was I ever anything but just a friend to her. Although I think sometimes of what she told me she did after I asked her out. So she tells me after I told her I liked her she went and wrote down the date so she would never forget it. Me, I was just happy I got to be with the girl I'd liked for so long. As it turns out, I needed her more than she needed me. But sometimes I think back to the girl who was just told that she was liked by some guy in Canada.
April 30th, 2009
April 30th, 2009
April 30th, 2009...
Bye, because "Sweet dreams lovely" will hurt too much...
-Nathaniel.
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Something About Death.
This morning, I was thinking about writing something here. Something about how shitty my life is, and how shitty I feel. Some extremely selfish and stupid post meant to be angsty and whiny because that's just what blogs tend to be used for. Somebody changed my mind. I have a couple of friends who also operate blogs on blogger, and I decided to check their posts out this morning. As it turns out one of them is going through a rather tough time right now. Somebody they know, in their school, has killed themselves. He was about to graduate. There's a lot more to this story, and it's really not my story to tell so I'll leave you a link here so you can read what she has to say about what's happened.
http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html
So this morning I've begun to question death, which never really ends well, because normally you just end up with even more questions. But I'm already started so for better or for worse death is being questioned.
Why do we die? Well, on the most basic level, because we have to. There is only so long that the body can sustain itself. Eventually we all get to the point where we will die, be it from outside causes, from exhaustion of life, or like the young man talked about earlier, of our own volition. This is a very sad truth to face, and I can remember several points in my very young life when I would start to cry because I had once again remembered that everyone dies. Without discrimination we all die. That's more than what can be said of life. In life we're met with all kinds of discrimination. Life is filled with so much hate, and anger, but death is peaceful. Life is filled with so many hardships, and trials to overcome. So much pressure just to live, and nothing but peace awaits us in death. Although that's debatable, it does make one think about the allure of death. There's something about the thought of eternal rest that just seems... relaxing. I can't be entirely sure, but those are the feelings I often associate with suicide and the wish for death. At least, that's what I would look forward to in death. So there are two answers to this question. Why do we die? Because we have to, and because we want to.
But why do so many people have to die so young? There isn't an answer to this. At least not a broad answer to it. Every time somebody dies unwillingly, there's a different answer. That answer could be "Because he crossed the street too early." or "Because she hit the brakes too late." It's just the way some things happen. As much of a cliche this is, fate is a mysterious thing. Now, a lot of people don't believe in fate, more accurately predetermined fate. I'm a little skeptical myself some time, as I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I prefer to believe that everything happens. Love, happens, life happens, laughter happens, happiness happens, but no matter what, without fail, death happens. It's almost impossible to explain, but it just happens. Yes, deaths can change lives, and they can change the world. Death can cause wonderful things to happen, but death isn't human. Death doesn't care who you are, or what you are. He is a force of nature. Take that as you will, and I'm sure that many people disagree with this point of view. I suppose I'm just so cowardly that I would rather think that my death was my death, and not my purpose. In any case, there are so many reasons for why people die without their consent, you just have to look for the reason in them all. But don't over analyze it, or you might start blaming somebody who doesn't deserve it.
Why do people kill themselves? This is a tough question. Well it isn't really a tough question, the answer is just hard to accept. Because they wanted to. Nobody kills themselves without a reason. Often times it's because they want to end the pain they're feeling, or because they see no point in living. As much as I've hinted that some times I've considered these reasons to end my own life, as most people in this day and age have, they aren't good enough. I don't mean to disrespect anyone who has killed themselves, or anyone who is dealing with a situation in which someone has killed themselves, like my friend. I just mean to say that nobody should kill themselves. As much trouble as you or anyone else has believing this, your life is worth living. There are so many wonderful things to experience in this life. If you don't believe it find someone to talk to, who can remind you of how beautiful the world we're given can be. There will always be trouble, and pain, and suffering, but all of the love, warmth, and happiness makes all of the hard times worth the effort. Go out and find someone, anyone who will listen to you, and help you through the feelings that you have. It can be anyone. A girlfriend, or boyfriend, your mom, or dad, another family member, a friend you trust. It doesn't even need to be somebody you know all too well, just somebody to talk to about your feelings.
http//suicidehotlines.com/
This site acts as a directory for suicide hotlines near you. You can find international hotlines on the site as well. This is a pretty big detour from the point, but I think it's really important that if you have these feelings you should talk about them. There are other forms of voluntary death, such as euthanasia, which spur a fair bit of debate on whether or not it is moral to let someone kill themselves. But that's a different topic entirely. All I'm aiming to achieve here is to discuss the reasons for death. We do control our ability to take our own lives, and the reason people kill themselves is because they want to. It's a horrible thing to think that somebody would give up on life, and it really does make us question ourselves. "Why? Why wasn't I there? Why couldn't I help? Why couldn't they have been happy? Why didn't I stop this?" You can't blame yourself for what happened, because it isn't your fault. They took their life because it was their choice. It's horribly tragic that people are compelled to take their own lives, but the most you can do is take consolation in the fact that it was their choice, and that they're in a happier place now. Don't be afraid to cry, don't be afraid to talk to someone, but most of all don't be afraid to live your life, and help anyone who is feeling that their life isn't worth living.
This third reason for death shouldn't exist. Nobody should feel like they need to take their own life. In a perfect world, nobody would feel the pain necessary to push them over the edge, and make them yearn for death. But this isn't a perfect world. This is just a world. Some people want to die. And that's horrible. But it's also life.
I really don't know what else I can say. I hope that my friend finds all of the answers to all of her questions. I hope that some day she can make sense of everything that is happening to her. I hope that anyone who is suffering through conflicted feelings about life resolves them, and becomes happy. I hope that some day, people can stop dying without a reason, although that's more of an idle dream than anything else. I hope that one day, when I die, I will have lived my life, will be ready for death. And I hope all the same for you.
Bye, because Adieu is too grim.
-Nathaniel
"There is only one god, and his name is Death. And there is only one thing you say to death: Not today." -Syrio Forel, "A Game of Thrones"
http://mystorygetstold.blogspot.com/2011/06/there-is-no-title-for-this-stuff.html
So this morning I've begun to question death, which never really ends well, because normally you just end up with even more questions. But I'm already started so for better or for worse death is being questioned.
Why do we die? Well, on the most basic level, because we have to. There is only so long that the body can sustain itself. Eventually we all get to the point where we will die, be it from outside causes, from exhaustion of life, or like the young man talked about earlier, of our own volition. This is a very sad truth to face, and I can remember several points in my very young life when I would start to cry because I had once again remembered that everyone dies. Without discrimination we all die. That's more than what can be said of life. In life we're met with all kinds of discrimination. Life is filled with so much hate, and anger, but death is peaceful. Life is filled with so many hardships, and trials to overcome. So much pressure just to live, and nothing but peace awaits us in death. Although that's debatable, it does make one think about the allure of death. There's something about the thought of eternal rest that just seems... relaxing. I can't be entirely sure, but those are the feelings I often associate with suicide and the wish for death. At least, that's what I would look forward to in death. So there are two answers to this question. Why do we die? Because we have to, and because we want to.
But why do so many people have to die so young? There isn't an answer to this. At least not a broad answer to it. Every time somebody dies unwillingly, there's a different answer. That answer could be "Because he crossed the street too early." or "Because she hit the brakes too late." It's just the way some things happen. As much of a cliche this is, fate is a mysterious thing. Now, a lot of people don't believe in fate, more accurately predetermined fate. I'm a little skeptical myself some time, as I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I prefer to believe that everything happens. Love, happens, life happens, laughter happens, happiness happens, but no matter what, without fail, death happens. It's almost impossible to explain, but it just happens. Yes, deaths can change lives, and they can change the world. Death can cause wonderful things to happen, but death isn't human. Death doesn't care who you are, or what you are. He is a force of nature. Take that as you will, and I'm sure that many people disagree with this point of view. I suppose I'm just so cowardly that I would rather think that my death was my death, and not my purpose. In any case, there are so many reasons for why people die without their consent, you just have to look for the reason in them all. But don't over analyze it, or you might start blaming somebody who doesn't deserve it.
Why do people kill themselves? This is a tough question. Well it isn't really a tough question, the answer is just hard to accept. Because they wanted to. Nobody kills themselves without a reason. Often times it's because they want to end the pain they're feeling, or because they see no point in living. As much as I've hinted that some times I've considered these reasons to end my own life, as most people in this day and age have, they aren't good enough. I don't mean to disrespect anyone who has killed themselves, or anyone who is dealing with a situation in which someone has killed themselves, like my friend. I just mean to say that nobody should kill themselves. As much trouble as you or anyone else has believing this, your life is worth living. There are so many wonderful things to experience in this life. If you don't believe it find someone to talk to, who can remind you of how beautiful the world we're given can be. There will always be trouble, and pain, and suffering, but all of the love, warmth, and happiness makes all of the hard times worth the effort. Go out and find someone, anyone who will listen to you, and help you through the feelings that you have. It can be anyone. A girlfriend, or boyfriend, your mom, or dad, another family member, a friend you trust. It doesn't even need to be somebody you know all too well, just somebody to talk to about your feelings.
http//suicidehotlines.com/
This site acts as a directory for suicide hotlines near you. You can find international hotlines on the site as well. This is a pretty big detour from the point, but I think it's really important that if you have these feelings you should talk about them. There are other forms of voluntary death, such as euthanasia, which spur a fair bit of debate on whether or not it is moral to let someone kill themselves. But that's a different topic entirely. All I'm aiming to achieve here is to discuss the reasons for death. We do control our ability to take our own lives, and the reason people kill themselves is because they want to. It's a horrible thing to think that somebody would give up on life, and it really does make us question ourselves. "Why? Why wasn't I there? Why couldn't I help? Why couldn't they have been happy? Why didn't I stop this?" You can't blame yourself for what happened, because it isn't your fault. They took their life because it was their choice. It's horribly tragic that people are compelled to take their own lives, but the most you can do is take consolation in the fact that it was their choice, and that they're in a happier place now. Don't be afraid to cry, don't be afraid to talk to someone, but most of all don't be afraid to live your life, and help anyone who is feeling that their life isn't worth living.
This third reason for death shouldn't exist. Nobody should feel like they need to take their own life. In a perfect world, nobody would feel the pain necessary to push them over the edge, and make them yearn for death. But this isn't a perfect world. This is just a world. Some people want to die. And that's horrible. But it's also life.
I really don't know what else I can say. I hope that my friend finds all of the answers to all of her questions. I hope that some day she can make sense of everything that is happening to her. I hope that anyone who is suffering through conflicted feelings about life resolves them, and becomes happy. I hope that some day, people can stop dying without a reason, although that's more of an idle dream than anything else. I hope that one day, when I die, I will have lived my life, will be ready for death. And I hope all the same for you.
Bye, because Adieu is too grim.
-Nathaniel
"There is only one god, and his name is Death. And there is only one thing you say to death: Not today." -Syrio Forel, "A Game of Thrones"
Saturday, 11 June 2011
The first.
Lately, I've been kind of sad. So it was suggested to me that since I aspire to be a writer (1st non bio Nathaniel fact!) I should channel all of that energy into my writing. I proceeded to think that that's what angsty people do, so I wouldn't do that. But then it turned out that I am an angsty person so I ended up writing stuff. So here, have a poem.
Poem end.
Every Heart
In every heart, there is darkness.
The darkness that urges us to hurt each other.
The darkness that pushes us to destroy each other.
The darkness that tries to consume us.
The darkness that becomes pain.
In every heart, there is pain.
The pain that clouds our minds.
In every heart, there is pain.
The pain that clouds our minds.
The pain that burns into our souls.
The pain that is unbearable.
The pain that becomes desire.
In every heart, there is desire.
The desire to be free of suffering and oppression.
The desire to be accepted for your true feelings.
The desire to be understood by another.
The desire that becomes hope.
In every heart, there is hope.
The hope that life will improve.
The hope that somehow someone will make a change.
The hope that we will someday achieve happiness.
The hope that becomes strength.
The pain that is unbearable.
The pain that becomes desire.
In every heart, there is desire.
The desire to be free of suffering and oppression.
The desire to be accepted for your true feelings.
The desire to be understood by another.
The desire that becomes hope.
In every heart, there is hope.
The hope that life will improve.
The hope that somehow someone will make a change.
The hope that we will someday achieve happiness.
The hope that becomes strength.
In every heart, there is strength.
The strength to change the world for the better.
The strength to save lives, and share kindness.
The strength to do something extraordinary with our lives.
The strength that becomes love.
In every heart, there is love.
The love for your life and accomplishments.
The love for your family and family.
The love for someone special.
And in every heart, thing that means the most, is love.
The strength to change the world for the better.
The strength to save lives, and share kindness.
The strength to do something extraordinary with our lives.
The strength that becomes love.
In every heart, there is love.
The love for your life and accomplishments.
The love for your family and family.
The love for someone special.
And in every heart, thing that means the most, is love.
Poem end.
It's a blog!
Alright. So, I'm not exactly new to blogs, I've been a part of a couple in the past, and have operated a blog before in the past. Not well, mind you, and I'm not really sure that that will change. Really, I just need somewhere to dump my thoughts and writings that's a little more private than Facebook. Keep in mind, this blog is more than likely going to suck, so yeah. That's really about everything I've got to say for an intro, beyond that, here's a bio.
Name: Nathaniel
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Rating: Above waffles
Reason for rating: Because this already kind of looked like a Scott Pilgrim bio.
History: Born in one part of Canada, raised there for a while, moved to another part of Canada. Really not much more to me than that... Well there is, but I'm sure it'll all come up eventually.
Appearance: White guy, average build, with long hair.
Interests: Writing stuff, playing stuff, watching stuff, and occasionally reading stuff. Listening to stuff too I guess.
Other: Never really quite understood what to put under Other.
Bio accomplished. Yeah, it's lacking description, once again, all will be revealed in time. Nathaniel's Super Fun Blog Time is also a bit of a misnomer... I guess that's it. I might write something and put it up later. Till then, I'll need a catch phrase.
Bye, because "Peace Out" makes me sound like a stoner.
-Nathaniel
Name: Nathaniel
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Rating: Above waffles
Reason for rating: Because this already kind of looked like a Scott Pilgrim bio.
History: Born in one part of Canada, raised there for a while, moved to another part of Canada. Really not much more to me than that... Well there is, but I'm sure it'll all come up eventually.
Appearance: White guy, average build, with long hair.
Interests: Writing stuff, playing stuff, watching stuff, and occasionally reading stuff. Listening to stuff too I guess.
Other: Never really quite understood what to put under Other.
Bio accomplished. Yeah, it's lacking description, once again, all will be revealed in time. Nathaniel's Super Fun Blog Time is also a bit of a misnomer... I guess that's it. I might write something and put it up later. Till then, I'll need a catch phrase.
Bye, because "Peace Out" makes me sound like a stoner.
-Nathaniel
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