Alright, so this seems to be becoming a daily thing, and just to go for three in a row, I'm going to post. But what to post about? I'm serious here, no forethought has gone into this post. I'm free styling.
Alright, today I'm going to do a little post about me, and my life. At this point in time, I am in the process of coping with being broken up with after being with a girl for two years. Which pretty much sucks, on every level. This is my second breakup. First one lasted two months, and honestly, was just a way to avoid trying a long distance relationship with girlfriend #2. I kind of expected the first one to end, because as much as I tried to hide it, I kind of didn't like the first girl I dated. Yeah, she was alright to have a chat with, but we were practically polar opposites. There was one real date, where I got my first kiss. What kind of ruined this for me was the fact that she had pretty much avoided me the whole time, and tried to get me to make out with her friend while she left to try something on or something. We didn't make out, and had some awkward chit chat instead. That's more than I got with my girlfriend at the time. I've never really admitted this before but right before that date, I got a pretty bad hair cut, and it made me look like a total dork, skip ahead to after we broke up (More on that in a second) I had started going out with #2 (Who shall remain #2 for the remainder of this post, because even though she may be the only person to actually read this, I think she would prefer her identity to be safe.) she had told me she liked guys with long hair, or something along those lines, so I haven't had a hair cut since before my fail date with #1. Who by the way is far from #1 on my list of favorite people. The way we broke up was kind of weird. She went to a birthday party at a hotel. She proceeded to go drinking with some guys she didn't know, and then tried to talk to me about trust. We were together for maybe another week before I tried to make it a clean easy break. Note to self, a week long break up is a bad idea. Anyways, we mutually decided to break up, and that our relationship was kind of stupid. I lost the picture she drew of herself she had given to me, and she fed the necklace I gave her to her dog. I was kind of worried about the way she would take the break up. I was reassured when her first facebook status since the break was part of "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. We tried to be friends, but that didn't really work out very well. I realized this when she got into a description of her new boyfriend's (she had had several more at this point, in less time than our relationship I do believe.) penis. There have been a few awkward things from then on here and there, and I try and keep in touch with a couple of her friends, because they're pretty damn cool people, but other than that I haven't really seen much of #1 since.
Before I get into #2 I think there are a couple of honorable mention crushes I've had in the past. In preschool, there was a girl in my class who I'm pretty sure was named Emily. Anyways I was convinced as a toddler that it was my destiny to grow up, and marry Emily, because we used to pretend to be Kovu and Keira from "The Lion King 2". This tale pretty much ends after preschool because we went to different schools. After that, in Kindergarten, we got a new kind in the class named Katherine. Katherine was my big on and off thing throughout all of elementary school, and the first year of Junior High. Although a lot of "girls are icky" got in the way of that for most of the crush I think. The sad thing about Katherine was that I had spent the summer after grade six telling myself it wouldn't happen, and I should forget about her (Oh how wise us 12 year olds were) and then within the first week of school she was nearly killed in a car accident outside of the school. I don't know why, but this made me feel like I had realized just how much I'd miss her if she was really gone. So I kind of made it my mission to try and make her happy again... Unfortunetly I was extremely shy, and all I really got done was pull on the pigtails style adore her, and give her a Kitten Webkinz. Anyways eventually we kind of got to know each other, and it turned into a full on crush for me, turns out I wasn't the only one. It became obvious to the rest of my classmates that I liked her, and so I started getting teased about it, but before I could make a move, I had been moved away. I eventually told her that I liked her. She told me she didn't like me. I was as crushed as a young man could be, but got over it. Anyways, now we're decent friends, and I talk to her sometimes. She's doing really well, and has really become an incredible young woman, wise beyond her years. She always knows what to say, and so sometimes I get a little guidance from her. Other than that, I wish her all the happiness in the world waiting for her, because she deserves it. My third big crush was Rosemary Lawton. These are getting kind of lengthy, so I'll try and make this one quick. I really liked her, and she was the first girl I had ever given jewelry to before. Albeit 12 dollar corner store jewelry, but jewelry all the same. Anyways we kind of hung out for a while, and I thought she was really cool. We would sit next to each other on the bus, which soon became my favorite part of the day, but other than that there was minimal interaction, because I wasn't much of a social butterfly, and she hung out with a bunch of intimidating girls. In any case, my friend John was kind of into her, so I stepped off, but apparently it turned out that she liked me too, and I could have totally gone out with her, and it would have been awesome because she was all cool and stuff. At least that's how I imagine it would have went, but probably not. Anyways, that sort of ended because I thought she was into somebody else, and I went back after Katherine again until I moved. (Right, this happened during 8th grade, just to clear things up.) So anyways, it turns out that Rosemary only proceeded to get cooler after I left, and now she's a super cool folk fiddle player, who listens to sweet Newfie music, and thinks that X-Men evolution was a pretty cool show. I really only saw her at two parties after that, and it's been almost a year since I last talked to her, but that's how I remember her. I should probably go talk to her some time.
So that was a pretty lengthy detour from the main point. Alright #2, the big one. So for the past two years I've been going out with #2, and she is absolutely the most incredible girl in the world. Most people would tell off their exes, but if you can't tell, I'm not quite entirely over her. (This very well might just get really awkward later.) But I really don't think that clouds my judgement on her all that much. (Suuuuuuuuure.) It would be really hard to go over an entire two years worth of relationshipedness, so I'll try and keep it brief. All though that really didn't work out earlier. In any case, #2 was the first girl that I ever said "I love you" to and really meant it. I guess that makes me kind of an ass, but in my defense I was 14, and it was my first girlfriend. She was like the sun and the moon to me, every day when I would see the blue sky it would make me think about her, and the way she made me feel. We would do a lot of creative writing together for a while before I stopped going on so much, and so there was a little less time spent with her. I kind of regret that, because I loved writing with her, but I was having trouble with school, and I didn't think I should be online writing so much. There were a couple of times where I tried to write with her again, but they were a little short lived. I was always amazed by her skill with words, and the way she made her stories flow. There's a lot more than that, but I'm kind of tired, and afraid of how personal this might get. We'll skip forward a bit. Over the course of our relationship, every now and then, there would be a "fight" that occurred. I say fight because I have no idea what else to call them. #2 always had doubts about our relationship, and at those points I would try and tell her that I would be better, and that things would be better, and that we should stay together. No matter what I always got the feeling that whenever these relationship talks would come up she never left satisfied, and I knew that it was because I never really listened to her, or her feelings. It's a little over two weeks ago that the last one of these happened. I knew this was coming, but #2 didn't love me anymore. At least not in the same way. She told me that she still wanted to be friends, and, well, we're still friends, despite all of the cliches about how that will never work. Near the end I knew that she wasn't happy, and before that I knew that I wasn't the guy she was looking for right now. But despite the fact that I knew it was coming, and that I knew she would break up with me, it didn't help anything. And I still feel like shit. I'm trying my best to be her friend now, but she really seems uninterested in me a lot of the time. Like I'm the least of her worries, which I really deserve to be. And just like before the end, she seems really distant, and it feels like she doesn't trust me anymore, which I suppose she shouldn't. I guess I'm just at the point where I can't believe that the girl who once told me she loved me, is now the girl who will sometimes not respond when we talk. She seems alright though. She seems like she's fine without me. But really that makes me wonder how much of an impact I really made on her, and was I ever anything but just a friend to her. Although I think sometimes of what she told me she did after I asked her out. So she tells me after I told her I liked her she went and wrote down the date so she would never forget it. Me, I was just happy I got to be with the girl I'd liked for so long. As it turns out, I needed her more than she needed me. But sometimes I think back to the girl who was just told that she was liked by some guy in Canada.
April 30th, 2009
April 30th, 2009
April 30th, 2009...
Bye, because "Sweet dreams lovely" will hurt too much...
-Nathaniel.
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